I was momentarily put out recently when a relative suggested that I didn't treat my children equally - one is disabled, the other is non-disabled.
Fortunately I am confident enough to know that in fact I spend a lot of time and energy making sure that I do indeed treat them as fairly and equally as I can, being more than aware that it might be possible to favour one over the other.
It really brought it home how wrong an 'outsider's' [even if they are a relative] perspective can be when it comes to understanding what a hugely difficult job bringing up a disabled child is.
Here are some of the issues we have to deal with [most on a daily basis]:
- finding a balance when it comes to dealing with 'normal' behaviours eg rough and tumble play. Whilst we don't want to deprive either child of this there has to be a line when one child [most likely the disabled one] is more likely to get hurt.
- dealing with the psychological effects of having a disability eg the child might be upset that they can't keep up with their peers, they might feel left out in the playground, they might feel angry with themselves for not being able to do something or for falling over.
- dealing with the psychological effects of being the 'non-disabled' one eg resentment that we're not doing something because of the disabled sibling.
- grappling with the effects of an imbalance in height, strength, mobility and ability between the two children.
I once read the term 'juggling with chainsaws', sometimes it feels like that's exactly what I am doing, and I worry that getting it wrong could potentially have long term effects on both children's wellbeing, attitudes and personality. That responsibility is stressful to say the least.
Because it's such a difficult job I have an enormous amount of respect for fellow parents up and down the country who, unseen and unpraised, are doing this job on a daily basis only they know what it's really like.
1 comment:
Over the years I have been told many times that you are an outstanding person and nothing phases you. So as far as I am concerned you are bringing up your boys to be confident, fun and they show care for each other. Unless one has had a child with a disability one has no idea how difficult and complicated the parenting role is. You are doing all you can to make them great well balanced lads. You are doing a brilliant job so let no-one tell you otherwise. You are doing for your boys what I tried to do for you, make them independent persons in their own right. It is not an easy path as I know full well as I am your Mum.
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